PFFTHAHAHAHAHA.

Mm? Thought it'd be pride. o_O

Lalala. This vacation is actually turning out alright. Have been a teense bit on edge due to homework, but I have written down about a third of my notes for English and have taken notes on ToK (still need to confer with Arun about that) and am now feeling much better. That said, I am now prepared to go out and live life a little, woohay.

Heehee. I'm actually feeling a little guilty at the moment. I was so against staying at home with the parentals, but they're being pretty sweet. Well, my mom anyway. She went and bought this cute little tree, and a singing Santa. She really wants to make things special. I kinda feel a little paranoid suspicious about that, but I love that, y'know, she's trying to put our family back to before. I don't feel guilty just because I was so anti-family-time-sharingness, but also because I was so close to... y'know, going. I honestly felt like life was so pointless, and all I needed to do was lose the irrational fear and go, especially as how I was starting to feel so numb. It was so stupid because I wanted to hurt myself so much but didn't want my family to know... which is impossible, right? I was starting to try separate myself from my family so I could just go and not have to worry about it. But this whole thing with my mom being so sweet? It's exactly the kind of motivation I needed to keep going. I'll thank her for it someday, when I don't feel scared of telling her how stupid I am.

Today has been too good for me to destroy it by whining. =]

I am so over the emotional thing. Yeah. Totally. The rollercoaster just crashed and I don't feel dull at all. I am in fact totally ready to work. I am enthusiastic. I am a worker bee.

... I have been staring at my two-page long essay for three hours, willing my fingers to type just another page. I think I need caffeine. Or like, some sort of self-destructive drug. Why drug? Why not? Then again, that could just be me saying things I don't really mean. I do that a lot. I think.

LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

edit: Fuck. I feel so... not stressed. That's not the word. Scared. I feel terrified about tomorrow. Mandarin presentation, Biology test the day after... I didn't even feel this terrified during my GCSE exams.

... God damn it.

edit2: Okay world, I want to feel happy, and I want to feel happy NOW.

So step on it, fucktard. Gimme gimme gimme. Like a spoilt brat I demand and I want. Now.

edit3: Sometimes I feel so happy. Like, I get so down, but then I think of my girlfriend. And I feel so fantastic. My world's been lifted, and I'm flying, I'm drunk and giddy and bumping my head on the ceiling from joy. And then I feel like writing her a letter, or just writing, like a story, of how fantastic I feel, how great we are, how lovely she is. How perfect everything is. Perfect perfection.

And then I wake up and find out I was sleeping with my eyes open. I don't have a girlfriend. I crash down onto my bed, break my spine and hit the floor. That euphoria was made up; no one'd want me. I blame myself for being screwed up. Stop it with the imagination! Stop trying to hurt yourself. Stop-- no, start breathing, untie that knot in your stomach. Don't be silly, people do like you. They just don't care, is all. Or they do, but not enough, because you'll always want more, isn't that right, you selfish bitch. Self-centered, selfish bitch. I wish I could drown you; grab you by the hair and smash your pretentious little face into the basin and turn on the water and drown you; hah, see how much of a hydrophiliac you are then, huh, swimmer. Dumb, fucked up piece of attention-craving shit. You dramatize and make your actions so grandiose, then refuse to open up. What's wrong with you. Such a fucker, such a bitch. Can't imagine why you'd have friends.

Or maybe they're not. Y'know, friends. I dunno. I'm so... unsure about things now. I don't even know if this is the way I feel. Suddenly I feel calmer. I was genuinely angry just then... I think. Or maybe I'm just being dramatic, again. I used to do this a lot when writing; just relax, and let my mind go. Just ramble. It'd be okay. Is this how I feel right now? I'm just letting loose a stream of thought. I think. Maybe I'm just staging another play and I don't even know it. I'm thinking, maybe I'd like to hit something right now... run my hands through hair, then grip the head and smash it into a wall. My imagination's vivid. I'll grip my own hair.

I look like a monkey. An ugly one, who has eaten barrels of bananas and are massively overweight. Like rhinos, but minus a horn. Who'm I to talk beauty? I say so many things are beautiful, then I'm contradicted and told they're ugly. Ugly people like ugly things.

I miss talking. Like, deeply. Getting it out. Catharsis in a way, 'cept without this stupid Goddamned journal. I miss my online friends. They're all busy; I don't blame them, I'm just being overly dependent. I wish I had someone to tell me I can make it through the day, and not laugh at me and take me seriously. Sometimes... sometimes I wish I were fully alone. And I wish I could scream. Would anyone like to come scream with me? We could go up to the Peak. Or a park, or a hiking path where no one would find us.

Sometimes I think my friends aren't real. Maybe I'm dreaming. Maybe Dallas isn't really Dallas; I've met her, but it was a dream, I fabricated her in my mind to bring me cheer. Maybe I made up Terry, to help me get through it all. Maybe I made up Jeremy, someone to fall on and talk to about loving the same gender. Maybe I made up Nate to make me feel young again, when I was screwed up and able to cry about it.

I'm sorry. I'm the awfullest awful person ever. Worstest of the worst. I want to burn my fingers.

edit4: Burning fingers hurts. Heehee.

I need to learn to be quiet. I will not post in this journal anymore. Stupid drug-like cybernetic creature of hell.

I bore people and they bore me. 'Cept that I make it more obvious, with all the prancing about and screaming, "YOU PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING BORING!" like a petulant spoiled child. I rather like it; it's fun being a brat. I'm sure it annoys the shit out of everyone I know, but see if I bloody care. I'm on a self-centered kick.

Funny; felt terrific earlier today, came home and felt um, worse. Like. Me 'n' Sonia 'n' Debbie were talking in Spaghetti House and for some stupid reason I brought up family and was so close to tears. That stuck with me for like, until now. Stupid stupid stupid.

Ugh, I hate it when people are talking of others and more people join and are like, "What? Who?" and then turn to me and go, "Who? Who? Who?" Like today, we were talking about Arun, and Alice kept asking me who and I, ugh, argh. I told her it was none of our business anyway. Doesn't matter-- Arun is Arun is Arun, whatever I say or do won't affect the way she is and so it doesn't matter whether I know who Sonia and Debbie are talking about or not. Gossip is fake; I prefer to find it out myself.

But I've learned my lesson. I will take some heed. But still, will find out for myself.

Jordana Brewster is the smexiest brunette I have ever, ever seen.

God, here I am thinking I'm strong. Here I am thinking, hurray, I'm not going to go back to the way I was before CAS week, because it was such a mind-blowing experience and I loved it and it's changed me forever. And it has! I mean, I know normal. I don't feel sad all the time. But when I do... get sad, I mean, it's just like... I want to just curl up and die. Rip out all my hair strand by strand. Just sort of scratch off my face and hit myself because it's like, I'm here but I'm not here, I'm floating away and the only thing keeping me here is my fucking body.

I'm so weak it's pathetic. Computer fucks itself up the ass, my back hurts like shit, essays are piling up as well as the Biology test, money issues kill me along with the fucking Christmas thing, plus friends issues, and I fall to fucking pieces. Karma be damned; I don't care what I did in my past life, but I must have fucked up pretty bad to have been born a human in this life. Either that, or God hates me, or I enjoy fucking myself up and blaming others for it. Maybe the latter. Maybe I should start blaming myself again. It's my fault anyway, the reason why people act the way they do to me. The way my life is is because of me. Be responsible for once in your fucking life you little shit.

Haha. Ironically enough, I was only thinking earlier today about how I'd improved. How I'd never need to write in here again, how my esteem was back and I'd never go on a low again, or at least not a bad one. This is so stupid-- people have worser problems than I do, but I exaggerate and... GodGodGodGodGodleavemethefuckalone. How'm I going to live? How'm I going to live? I can't even deal with the simplest of things. I can't handle-- yes I can. I just need to get a hold of myself. Pick myself out of the air. Breathe. Breathe. I want to cry. Breathe. No.

People have told me before about how they find it cool that I can type things as if having a conversation, while doing it off the top of my head and still making it structured. I don't know. I have speakers in my head. I think in a structured way, most of the time. It's not like lollipops candy elephants death poo. Well, sometimes.

I'll shut up, I won't complain. I wanted this anyway, remember? Clarity of mind. I do feel clearer at mind. Worse mood, but clear mind. I can talk. I know what I'm talking about. I'm not straining to think; it comes easily.

I want I want I want. I'm so materialistic. God I'm glad I'm my enemy. I'd hate being my friend. Constantly putting up with the whining and the mood swings and the blatant attention-craving-- so pathetic. Can't stop. Can so! Like the attention though. I'm sad, in a bad way. I wish I weren't so useless. I'm like a stupid wind-up doll. As my enemy I can kick me around. It's nice, in a way. I can bully someone. Sort of. And I can make them feel really down. And I don't feel guilty about it. Just bad.

Friday... just one more day, then parentals... no rest, no rest. Essays. Biology. Computer. Money. Friends... I don't trust a friend. One of them. It really annoys me. I want to tell her; it's only truthful. But I don't want to hurt her. She's okay. She's just a user. As am I. I hate it when I'm reflected off others. I ruin people.

I wish someone'd ask why I'm feeling down, instead of talking to me while my SN's dementia praecox ; piss off and die and telling me about their problems. But it doesn't matter, does it? Never mind. Don't be so self-centered. Care, a little. Be happy. Be flower-like. Pretty. Not being eaten by caterpillars. Maybe a venus flytrap.

I think I need to shut up.

... I just felt like doing so. These amused me, but if I placed them anywhere else people might think I was going whiny again. Which is not my intent.



This made me giggle a little. Emo stability= 10%. I'm more stable than that, c'mon.



Histrionic makes sense. Borderline is a new word to me, but the description makes sense as well. I kinda thought I was more avoidant. Hurray for me and getting more social skills! ^^

That's it. I'm done. I'm sick of whining and feeling sorry for myself. I think I have the strength to do this. I'm ending this. Bye.

edit: ... For some odd reason, people seem to have gotten the impression that I meant I was going to commit suicide. Not selfish enough, remember? I was talking about this journal. Asshats. :P

... Or maybe I'll just change to a new URL. Will give this a week-long hiatus and see how it goes.

... My mother just asked me if I've lost weight.

WTF. Impossible. I was having eating issues before Thailand (couldn't eat a thing; literally could manage only a cookie a day) but since I came back from Thailand I haven't been able to stop eating. It's food food food first thing in the morning and every breaktime until the end of school. How could I possibly have lost weight? I must've gained at least 20lbs. My mom scares me-- I think she's losing her eyesight. =\

Have been having a generally crappy day today. Couldn't control temper-- was pissed off since morning 'til, um, about three hours ago. Snapped at various people, including Dallas (sorry luv)! Um. Apologies to you all. =\

Heh. Wanna know something amusing? It's only when you post depressing things on your MSN SN that people really want to talk to you. "dementia praecox ; don't talk to me world, i'm not ready to face you yet" apparently wasn't obvious enough to drive away the five or so people who IMed me and started asking about fanfiction and art and RPing and why was I depressed? Pfft. Next time they do that I'm just going to ignore them-- I'm not here just for their entertainment every time I feel down.

I feel quite chipper. This amuses me muchly. Ahh, can't believe it's school tomorrow. It's gonna pass so damned slowly. =\

edit: I just can't kick this feeling as if I'm here as the world's court jester. I don't possess intelligence or looks or even a relatively pleasant personality. I just act the fool to please people and then have them ignore me, then hound me when I'm down. I'm not here for your pleasure y'know. I'm not!

My locker keys were just crushed by the bus. I'm a jealous, envious muthafucker and I don't have artistic talent. I'm dreading tomorrow like you wouldn't believe, and I really want to skive but I have that goddamned interview with Mrs. Bradbury. Y'know, just for once, I'd like to be hopelessly reckless without having to think of the fucking consequences. I think I shall do that when I grow up and independent.

I want to talk to someone, but everyone's asleep. I want someone to reassure me that I'm on the right track, that I'm not heading down a one-way street to failure and someone to, I dunno, make my life more meaningful. I feel like a living walking doll. There's a song about that somewhere, isn't there?

Ugh. Talking to friends is so hard. I talked to Yan once about depression, and when she asked me if I had depression and I said maybe, before, she just stared and gave this funny look. I don't want funny looks, I want you to treat me like a human. I told Soo Jin about how I was bisexual, although God knows why. She made me feel all uncomfortable by going, "wat??? u mean like girl/girl??" She said it didn't matter to her in the end, but gah, y'see, this is why I don't like telling people things sometimes. They just make you feel worse.

I am never coming out and I will take all my secrets to the grave.

edit2: Because for some odd reason people were actually interested in this:

15 things to do before I die
- Do drugs. Doesn't matter which ones, but hopefully they'll be bad.
- Smoke. Because I'm such a goodygoody girl right now and it makes me sick and I really, really wanna try smoking but I can't tarnish that image, not while my parents still have such high expectations of me.
- Get so smashed I pass out.
- Go to jail. It doesn't matter for what reason.
- Paint a room. I have this really big urge to paint a room. That said, my next wish is to...
- Learn to draw occult/horror. Because I always have these sort of horrible images in my head when I'm down and I really want to get them out but can't because all I can draw is bloody fucking faeries.
- Drive a motorbike.
- Starve myself. Just to see if I can do it, y'know. No food, maybe just a fruit or two plus water. See if it drives me as crazy as I think it will.
- Go for one day doing whatever the fuck I want. Skipping school, punching hated ones in the face, running off to Canada to find my sort-of-ex and giving her a huge hug and kiss. Whatever.
- Doodle bunnies on my arm with a knife. Sorry for the awful 'wannabe slicer' sound this has, but I really do like scars. =\
- Have sex with a man. And run away screaming before I even start from the ugliness that is pectorals and beyond.
- Have sex with a woman. And run away screaming before I even start from the ugliness that is breasts and beyond.
- Go give Ivy a hug. Because I'm feeling psyched. XD
- Run down the streets in front of a church/mosque screaming, "GOD FUCKED ME RAW!!" (and maybe sing a little bit of Nickelback and scream manically while I'm at it. Sounds so fun. XD Hey, this ties in with the jail thing, doesn't it?)
- ... I've run out. Damn it. Go to the Californian Yaoicon, I s'pose. =\

Mm. Am feeling awfully perky, but am too tired to dance about it.

I WOFF J00 HOOBASTANK!! woobly joobly to deh powa f infiniti!!! i wna tlk 2 ma ex so bad. sai. i fink i lif n 2 much f a cybernetic world. Or at least one that's far too fake to the one I'm really living. SORT YOURSELF OUT, HEAD!!

Changed userpic and info back. Sorta. I think it's safe to now... sorta. Pity though, I really do like the name Sara Cybril.

I woke up this morning with another recurring dream. I was running around Beacon Hill School (BHS-- my old primary school) looking for the 7th floor. What's wrong with that? I've been having this dream ever since I came to Sha Tin College. The other problem? Beacon Hill has no 7th floor.

Sometimes when I dream this dream, I actually find the door. I think I found it once, and it was full of white and fluffy white feathers and the floor was made of a glimmering clear jello, and I went there and bounced and laughed and laughed and was tickled by feathers and was happy, and didn't care that I was the only one there. The rest of the times... I run around on the 6th floor, going to the library and music room and the area where I learned to play chess and dance, frantically searching for the door and not finding it. I run up the stairs and reach the ceiling. Most of the time I give up, and then wake up. I think this was the only time I ever broke down and cried in my dream. For some reason I felt scared and sad and angry because I couldn't find the door, and I hit the walls and kicked them and nothing happened. So I cried.

When I was at lunch with my family my mom asked about our dreams. She has these aspirations to be a sort of dream interpreter on 'another state of mind', so to speak. And so because I was stupid, I opened my big trap and told her about my dream. The analysis... well, I didn't like it. Because I think it was the truth. She just gave me this weird look and said I felt insecure, I wasn't being loved, my 'child' was dying of suppression and I had to let go. Me hitting the wall was showing being trapped, and the whiteness and the feathers signified death. Either that, or purity which has been locked away and I'm trying to look for it again. I dunno, maybe I'm just overreacting, but... well, that sounds pretty bad to me. And I don't like people thinking I'm going through bad times, not without my permission. I mean, that's why I keep this journal, right? Because all my other ones show me as happy and I need a place to vent.

I have something to admit. The death part scared me. For a long time now I've felt as if my birth has been closely linked to death, though I always told myself I was just being stupid and ignored it. Hey, maybe it was just a subconscious fantasy; I did have a gore and goth obsession when younger. But to hear that I had a link with death from another person... it scares me. Not just because I've been thinking that all along, but also because I've been contemplating... y'know, dying. I'm sorry that it sounds so offhand; I actually don't feel too comfortable talking about it. I wouldn't actually take my life-- I care too much for my parents, and don't want to upset them further over their waste of a daughter. I know I'm just being stupid majority of the time I complain about them, and I know they love me more than I'll ever know, and that committing suicide would be the single most selfish thing I could ever do. But aside from that... I don't know. I don't know why I should keep living. I don't add anything to anyone right now; I'm not particularly helpful, am far too self-centered for that. The only purpose of my going on right now is to get good grades, and isn't that a rather trivial reason? I don't see myself becoming anything in the future. Sorry to sound like a cheesily angsty teen, but the future doesn't seem to hold anything substantial. I don't see myself ever getting into a relationship which I won't screw up by going insane, I don't see any job that I could do that would satisfy me. I see myself going to university and self-destructing; that is, taking up drugs and alcohol and anything that would harm me, while at the same time wanting to please my parents and so studying while in a messed-up stupor and hating myself for it. I don't see myself being happy in a job. I see myself drifting, unemployed, and failing at general relationships between coworkers. I don't see myself surviving after my parents' deaths. I know they'll die; I don't know how I'll handle it. I'm so weak-willed that the only reason I'd really have after that is Tristan. I know Tristan will do well. He's sociable and cute and not ugly like his awful, useless sister. He's smart and will get a good job, and be financially secure. And he doesn't love me a single bit. He uses me, and I know it, and I know when we get older he won't want to help me unless forced. Why would I want to live that way? Because I love him. Tha's why.

I'm... I'm sorry, I'm rather scattered today. I can't stop crying and need a tissue. I need to go lock my door. Ahh, okay, I feel a little better now.

I don't know. Everything in my life just seems so pointless right now. I'm doing my studies to the best of my abilities so I can get a job. What job? What do I want? What what what? I don't see a purpose to what I'm doing. I want to do everything to the best, and get upset when I get grades that are too low. I cried over my Maths grades and don't feel at all proud over my Art grade (a 6, which is the highest in the class and the best grade someone can get this early in the year) and the fact I managed to get an interview for PoR. I mean, I know it's good... and I've told people that, y'know, I got them both, but I don't exactly feel happy about it. I don't. I should though, right? I should feel happy. Highest in the class even though my final was shit and I felt down through a good half of my work and had to bullshit my way through? The project I'm doing now is so scattered, seriously. Anyone looking through my book can see that. I lose heart halfway through everything and start something new. But the teacher thinks that's good. I hate Art now, there's nothing to motivate me. My friendships there seem so... fake. I can't concentrate. Everything about my life just seems so goddamned fake! I can't do anything anymore, I'm too tired and weak. Other people have worse days than me, but I'm the one who can't seem to handle it. I want to give up so badly.

edit: Okay, I have had three coffees and a Panadol and am ready to be more normal and less melodramatic. Ahahahaha.

Just wanted to edit to ask: Have I ever mentioned how much I adore Poison Ivy/Harley Quinn fics? Even DC makes them femslashy. So much better than having poor Harley abused by her Puddin'. PI is so smexy too. Ahahaha. <333

edit2: Earlier today Debbie sent me Our Lady's Peace's Story About A Girl. I wondering why the band name seemed so familiar, so I ran it through Limewire and found this one song titled Superman's Dead. Thought that sounded awfully familiar, so I dled it. Turns out it's this really sad song I listened to in yr7, when I was hating everything about school. Made me cry. Stupid song.

Drew something. Looks like shit. Oh well. I blame the crappiness for... I dunno, atypical depression or something.



Whee! Onomatopoeia!

Am watching Party Monster. Downloaded it from Limewire. Whee! Seth is so sexy. Pretty slim face and pretty long neck. Such a beautiful slim face and neck. OMGOMGOMG. And his voice was annoying on first watch but the second go is very charming. The part where Seth/James is teaching that Home Alone kid/Michael how to be popular is hilarious. "Say hello to everyone in the room. Hello. HI THERE!" XD

OMG, Seth is so funny. I love his make-up. So gorgeous.

OMG, that scary man in The Practice is there! The eyepatch guy. And Fez from That 70's Show. Whee. The story is a little confusing and the relationship between Keoki (sp.?) and Michael seems way too rushed to be true (it happens in the span of under five minutes! How is that even possible?) but it's all worth it to see the disco-ing and drugs and make-up. Ooh-ee. *fans*

edit: ... Wow. I just finished the first half. Michael sounds like me. Should that worry me?

I also downloaded a tiny clip of about 50secs of Orlando Bloom's first ever appearance in a movie (Wilde, ironically enough) and a 20sec clip of Buffy bloopers. The latter is a little disappointing, but it has Alyson and Seth. I don't know what Oz is like in Buffy, but I hear he's silent-ish. Quiet, with a geeky girl I heart, werewolf, SETH BLOODY GREEN, hell yeah I like him already. There's a teeny iddle bit in that clip where he bursts out laughing and I swear it's the cutest thing ever.

I saw a pic of Oz and Willow somewhere on Google. I should find it sometime. Fan of Oz/Willow and Willow/Tara. (More W/T for me, since I haven't actually seen W/O. So sad. =\)

It's 12:45am now. Oh darling, it's the weekend! I never need sleep! XD

Wrote three e-mails to The Samaritans. Deleted them all. (To Dallas:) I'm trying to talk about it, but I can't. I know openness really helps for things, but it's really hard for me to talk about the way I feel without feeling stupid about it. I always end up feeling like some sort of awful wannabe. =\

God I feel awful right about now. I shall credit it to sleep-deprivation and general boredom.

Went out with Alice again today. I like her, we actually can talk about stuff without fear of interruption from outside idiots walking up to us and barging in (not mentioning any names, ahem) and without fear of the other person collapsing into giggles and not taking the person seriously. 'Cuz really, the thing I hate the most is when I say something out of the utmost sincerity (like, "God I feel like crap today. Wish I could [enter something that is apparently absolutely amusing]") and the other person laughs and changes the subject. Fuck you! Well, nevermind. I'm just as selfish anyway, if not more. Though I really, honestly am trying to change. Am listening to problems now, not dismissing them as trivial. Have decided to stop being a passive person and whinging about faults and started doing something about them. :D Am rather proud of that.

Anyway. Back to Alice. I dunno, maybe it's just my retarded, er, ness, but she seems to... I dunno. She's immensely cool when I'm with her, but when I leave all the energy just gets sucked out of me. Seriously. I leave and then five to ten minutes later I'm absolutely exhausted. And I hate it! But I don't want to go blaming it on Alice 'cuz, to be fair, I've only gone out with her recently. And I felt pretty tired after running around with others as well. Okay, well, not 'tired'. Tired makes sense. More like utterly, completely wiped out to the bone. I come home and slump, and my eyes droop and I can barely move without staggering. If that's not bad enough... my brain recognizes that as "grr" mode. I start feeling inexplicably sad, even though I can normally kick out of it in mad flashes when my 'logical' mind kicks in. Ah well, I really shouldn't complain. It's much better than, say, before.

I have Nickelback songs from their Silver Side Up album. I love Chad Kroeger's voice, really I do. It's... what's the words again? Dead sexy.

I want to go shopping and do girly things. And maybe prance around and talk in an annoying British accent. But I don't want to irritate my friends! Grr. Oh well, s'not like I'm particularly close with many of them anyway. Pooh and pah. =\